Last week I got a call from a customer in Bothell who was locked out of his house. I happened to be ahead of schedule so I agreed to squeeze him into my day. \u201cPlease get here as quickly as you can,\u201d he said. Of course I would. I always drive like I\u2019m late for my own wedding. This is one reason I leave my logo off of my van.<\/p>\n
When I arrived at the house I encountered a pudgy bespectacled guy in his early twenties wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt. He looked a little like Drew Carey in the 1990s. A Tesla was sitting inside the open garage. He pointed to the door he wanted me to open. I asked him for ID. He pulled at both sides his gym shorts and shrugged, indicating he had nothing in that regard. I asked if he\u2019d be able to prove that he lived there when we got in. \u201cYeah, sure,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Though he wanted me to go in through the garage, I took my regular walk around the outside of his house looking for the easiest way in. There were no open windows. All doors were deadbolted. I said to him, \u201cI can see you didn\u2019t accidentally let the door close behind you. This house was locked with a key. Did you lose your keys on a jog?\u201d He responded vaguely, \u201cYeah, something like that.\u201d I don\u2019t like to pry, but the caginess bothered me a little.<\/p>\n
I got to work picking the garage door deadbolt. It wasn\u2019t an easy one. As I worked at it, he paced behind me and breathed loudly through a slightly congested nose. Sometimes it seemed like he was sighing impatiently. It was distracting. I turned to look at him and asked, \u201cHave you got a pie in the oven?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked me to hurry here and now you seem very anxious to get in.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gave me a crooked grin and said, \u201cOh, I just didn\u2019t want to be waiting outside for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned back toward the door and continued trying the deadbolt with my lock pick and tension wrench. He got back to pacing and wheezing behind me. But now it felt like he was closer to me and breathing louder. I was getting frustrated with the lock. I couldn\u2019t seem to feel or hear any of the pins set. I became aware of the squeaking of his sneakers on the shiny garage floor. I was sweating. Agitation, annoyance, and discomfort are not especially conducive to good lockpicking. I took a long pause and a breath, hoping to reset. My glasses were fogging up so I took off my mask. I tried at the lock with a different pick. He continued pacing and breathing and squeaking. Finally I couldn\u2019t take it anymore. I turned back to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you got a copy of the key inside? I\u2019m going to drill and replace the cylinder.\u201d With a working key I would be able to match the new cylinder to it and it would be like nothing had happened. I don\u2019t like using the drill and I especially don\u2019t like doing so before residency has been proven, but I couldn\u2019t take another second of the pacing and the breathing and the squeaking. And the looming! The looming was the worst part of it.<\/p>\n
A few minutes later the door was open. Before I even stepped away from the door the customer was trying to squeeze past me to get in.<\/p>\n
\u201cHold on,\u201d I said, putting myself more squarely between him and the door. Before you do anything else, please grab your ID.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I don\u2019t have an ID,\u201d he told me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean you don\u2019t have ID?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged, \u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOK. Are there any photos of you on wall in here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I don\u2019t take photos of myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sometimes confirming residency is not that straightforward and we have to employ some creative problem solving. \u201cDo you have a Facebook page?\u201d With that, plus a piece of mail he\u2019d received at the house, I would be satisfied.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow are you going to show me that this is your house?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shifted from foot to foot, anxious for me to move out of the way so he could get into the house. \u201cI have three computers in the bedroom upstairs. I can show you that I have the password to get into them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not enough,\u201d I said. \u201cI need to see photo ID. What adult doesn\u2019t have photo ID? You have a house. You have a car in the garage. You must have ID.\u201d Frequently when I\u2019m going through this process people offer up what I consider to be unhelpful solutions. A common one is to start listing off the most expensive items in the home, which would be visible through windows or to anyone who has ever visited the house. Another is to offer to call someone I don\u2019t know so they can confirm over the phone that this other person I don\u2019t know should get into the house we\u2019re standing outside. Had he not acted so strangely up to this point, I may have accepted the password thing.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I don\u2019t know what to tell you. I can show you the computers.\u201d<\/p>\n
At this point I was getting pretty exasperated with the kid, and also nervous that he\u2019d drawn me into something mischievous. I told him, \u201cLook \u2026 you said you\u2019d be able to show me that you lived here. I\u2019m beginning to think I\u2019ve helped you commit a crime by getting you into this house. I\u2019m thinking about calling the police here.\u201d I\u2019ve only once called the police on a customer after helping her gain entry to a house, and that was because she refused to pay me. In this case I\u2019d be calling the police on myself for breaking and entering, and I didn\u2019t know what kind of trouble that would cause for me.<\/p>\n
He paused for a long moment, looking at the floor. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a wallet. Inside the wallet was a passport card with a photo of him looking uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d I said. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here?\u201d<\/p>\n
Then the corners of his mouth curled downward with emotion. \u201cHere\u2019s the thing. I\u2019m really concerned about my privacy. Maybe it\u2019s a little weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not that weird. I get it. But you have to show me that you live here. Do you have a piece of mail you\u2019ve received here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a P.O. box.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, if I check the King County Assessor\u2019s website will I find that you\u2019re the owner of this property?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI rent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you get Amazon deliveries here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs the Tesla out there registered to you? Does it have your address on the registration?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf it does, it would have my old address.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook,\u201d I said. \u201cWe have a problem here and I really need you to help come up with a solution.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another long pause. Then he gestured for me to follow him. We went into the kitchen and he pulled a folder from a kitchen drawer. Inside was a lease agreement that had his name on it and the address of the house.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t too many minutes later that I\u2019d fixed the lock to make it work with his old key and I was writing him a bill on one of my two-ply invoice sheets.<\/p>\n
He said, \u201cHey, can you leave my name off that bill?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo problem. Here you go.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took it and said, \u201cWould you mind if I paid you with a virtual credit card?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n
He showed me his phone. On the screen there was an image of a credit card. \u201cYou can\u2019t swipe it. You have to run the numbers. And I can put any name I want on it.\u201d He could barely conceal how pleased he was with this explanation. I could barely conceal conceal my irritation.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, you know what\u2019s pretty anonymous? Cash. Have you got any cash?\u201d<\/p>\n
As I walked back to my van I carefully inspected the bills he gave me. I was ready to put this weird job behind me and get on to the next one.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"